Vitriolic Best Buds
by New Neon
Summary: Or: why I shouldn't read TV tropes late at night. Wanted to have a little fun with this trope that fits the boys to a T. Vague hostile romance  if you squint a little  or just a hostile bromance. Your choice. One shot.


Zoro stretches slowly into wakefulness and yawns loudly. His mouth tastes like a sleep hangover, but he isn't surprised because this was the first solid sleep that he'd got for almost 48 hours because of being on watch, pirate fights and docking on a new island. On top of that he'd been out drinking with the rest of the straw hats last night, though due to his tiredness he'd had to call it an early night at midnight. The others stayed much later than him, so much so that he was flat out asleep when they got back. It seems that he'd also slept through the commotion of everyone getting up this morning too. His stomach growls loudly in protest at going unfed for so long.

Stumbling out of his hammock he contemplates changing his clothes before going above deck for food, however a cursory sniff ranks his clothes as "not that bad" and hunger overrules cleanliness. He shambles up to the kitchen and finds himself immediately the target of a sharp look from the blonde chef.

"You missed breakfast." Sanji declares in a faintly accusatorial manner.

"I was tired, I apparently overslept. You could have woken me up." Zoro retorts with a narrowing of his eyes.

"Well, everyone else manages to get up in time for breakfast on their own." Sanji sniffs haughtily and turns back to washing up dishes. Zoro pulls a face at his turned back.

"I'm hungry cook." Zoro states flatly. He's not awake enough yet to verbally spar with the irritating blonde, he just needs some goddamn food.

Instead of answering Sanji frowns and stands on his tiptoes to inspect his face in the shiny surface of the oven hood extractor.

"Hm, I don't see it." Sanji says lightly to himself, turning his face this way and that.

"What?" Zoro grumbles unhappily.

"The part of my face that's giving me the expression that I GIVE A SHIT, it must be there or else you wouldn't be here saying this kind of thing you shitty-bastard." The blonde retorts spinning back to face Zoro with a glower.

"I'm hungry. Just feed me already and I'll leave you in peace!" Zoro shouts angrily.

"How about no? You're not starving, not even close. And you couldn't be bothered to get up in time for the food which I carefully prepared for everyone, including you, so you can piss right off. Go into town, I think that shitty bar from last night does lunch. If you leave now with your directional skills you might make it there before they stop serving it, in two hours." Sanji rants and, considering that to be that, turns back to his sink to continue the business of washing up and ignoring Zoro's very existence.

Zoro scowls at Sanji but the cook clearly isn't going to change his mind, at least not out loud. Even if he did decide that Zoro did deserve some food there was no way that he was going to retract a statement like that to let him have some.

Instead he stomps off, loudly, out of the galley and slams the door behind him before making his way into town. Despite Sanji's slur about his sense of direction Zoro manages to find the bar from last night, without getting lost at all, even if the journey did seem to take a little longer than it did walking there with everyone the night before… and that there were some shops that he'd not noticed the first time he walked past. Still, the damn cook doesn't know what he's talking about!

Luckily it does seem like the bar serves lunch, or a late breakfast in Zoro's case so Zoro orders whatever it is on the menu that looks the cheapest. He doesn't have much money at the moment with Nami demanding damn near every beli that he has due to "interest" or some bull like that. Thieving witch. The barman glowers at him a little when he orders but Zoro has no idea why.

Bored and hungry Zoro takes a look at the bar around him, it's mostly empty at this time of day, however there is a guy sitting hunched over the bar at the other end who looks like he's had seven kinds of shit beaten out of him, he's bruised to hell and if Zoro isn't mistaken his jaw appears to be wired shut. Under all the bruising though Zoro swears that this guy was his barman last night and he seemed fine then.

His eyes pull level with the bar after a moment and he spies a deep footprint embedded in the wood of the wall behind the bar, one that looks suspiciously the same size as Sanji's feet. With a deep grin spreading across his face Zoro spots what appears to be a tooth lodged permanently in the wall in the middle of the indentation of Sanji's foot. He snickers quietly to himself and looks over to the bruised up guy at the other end of the bar, make that that this guy got seven kinds of shit _kicked_ out of him. He wonders what this guy did to piss Sanji off.

"What happened to him?" Zoro enquires gesturing to the injured man as the other non maimed barman returns with his food.

The barman looks at his colleague and then back at Zoro with a huffy little glower.

"Your best friend beat him up." The barman says narrowing his eyes at Zoro.

Zoro frowns at that? His best friend? He supposes the closest person that might describe is Luffy, or perhaps Chopper and neither of them would be able to leave Sanji's distinctive bootprint in the wall. Zoro knows those fancy polished feet well, he's been on the receiving end of them more than enough times. Being kicked by Sanji feels COMPLETELY different to being kicked by Luffy. Being kicked by Luffy has a little more give in it thanks to the rubber and is more about power and speed than technique. Sanji on the other hand can kick you _just so_ to cause the maximum amount of pain and with a flick of his toe at the end can trigger that inbuilt reflex to gag from a kick that painful.

Sanji is an artist in pain when it comes to being kicked, this was definitely Sanji and not Luffy. And it can't be Chopper, there would be hoofprints instead. No, this was Sanji's artistic signature embedded in the wall and all over that guy's face. Which leaves the odd confliction of the idea of 'Sanji' with 'best friend'.

"Are we talking about the same person here?" Zoro frowns puzzled.

"Blonde, this tall? A real bastard when you piss him off? Stupid fancy suit?" The bartender elaborates with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, stupid curlicue eyebrow?" Zoro confirms giving a swirling gesture over his own eyebrow. The bartender nods in confirmation.

"He's not my friend. He's a moron and a psycho." Zoro informs the puzzled looking bartender. Zoro bites into his sandwich and chews automatically.

"But…" The bartender frowns looking over his shoulder at Sanji's bootprint indented into the wall.

"Crazy. As." Zoro emphasises and goes back to his meal. Goodness only knows what Sanji flipped his shit over, probably one of them not giving the proper amount of respect for the ladies. Zoro didn't appreciate anyone being awful to the women either, but they were both adults and could MORE than handle themselves. It still pissed him off when someone was nasty though, but he could let little slights slide. Sanji on the other hand had no tolerance for that and the things that he considered a slight against the ladies had a remarkably low bar.

"That mother fucker." The barman says slowly in a voice almost holding wonder. The tone of it pulls a startled laugh out of Zoro.

"Who the hell does he think he is? Strutting in here in his ugly suit trying to flirt with the women in the bar, as if any of them would go home with a stinking pirate. And he's ugly as sin too, thinks he's gods gift to women by the looks of it too. I tell you though, it was pretty nice to see them all shooting him down." The bartender goes on. Zoro frowns, Sanji wasn't so much cocky with women as he was… optimistic or perhaps over generous in his estimation of their ability to overlook his glaring personality flaws.

"And then my buddy here makes an innocent comment about you and he just flips out, talking about how you don't talk down about 'one of the straw hats' like that. It's like he thinks he's some big shot, the only reason he did half the damage that he did was because he got the drop on us. Man, I hope that some marine surprises him one day with a rifle to the face, what I wouldn't give for-" The bartender stops mid flow at the sound of Zoro unsheathing Wado slowly. Slowly and carefully Zoro points her tip in the bartender's face.

"I suggest," he says calmly, "that you shut your mouth right now."

"I thought you said he wasn't your friend!" The barman splutters stunned.

"He's not." Zoro answers, the blade staying rock steady at the guy's throat.

The bartender's startled face rearranges itself into a scowl, but it's nothing compared to the laser glare that Sanji can muster with one visible eye.

"You're as crazy as he is! Losing it over stupid things! I hope the marines catch the pair of you, I'm sure a skinny blonde guy like him would do _great_ in prison!" The barman snaps.

Zoro has a second to consider this. The guy is clearly suicidal but his idiocy shouldn't be a death sentence. Still… he needs to pay for that comment.

That night they all decide to go out drinking together again and since that bar is the only place around that serves drinks they head back there. Unfortunately Zoro doesn't even manage to get in the door as Sanji, who's walking in front of him, is shoved right back out of the bar immediately by the two barmen from earlier.

"They are not coming in! You're both barred!" The barman that Zoro spoke to earlier shrieks at him and Sanji.

Sanji gives the yelling guy a funny look and then laughs to himself.

"Didn't you have two ears last time I saw you? Nice bruise on your head too by the way." He laughs loudly.

"Zoro! Tell me you didn't do that!" Nami squawks indignantly, her hands on her hips.

"He had it coming!" Zoro says defensively.

"I'm sure." Sanji drawls with a lazy grin spread across his smug face.

"The cheapskate green-headed ugly psycho is barred!" The one-eared bartender screeches anyway.

Beside him Zoro can practically feel Sanji's hackles raise, the bastard all but hisses at the man like an angry cat.

"I thought you two would have learnt to keep your stupid comments to yourself after I kicked your buddy's mouth shut!" Sanji snaps violently his fists clenching in his pockets and his hips rolling back for balance in the way that Zoro is trained to know means _business_.

"Stay away from us, you psycho. When the marines get their hands on you-" the dumbass bartender starts again. With a sharp glare Zoro flicks his sword free from its sheath with a nice threatening 'shink' sound.

"I thought I made myself clear, lay off or this time I'll cut off something you'll really miss. Then you won't be in a position to care if curlicue here is flirting with ladies in your bar instead of you." Zoro threatens, delivering a pointed glance to the man's groin.

The bartender pales and quickly drags himself and his mute colleague back into the bar and slams the door, not a moment after and the unmistakable sound of several locks being slid home fills the air.

Luffy seems to find the whole thing hysterical and is cackling away, Robin seems to find the whole situation (like most things) quietly amusing, the others however just look put out at being denied access to the bar. Nami though is fuming. She turns on her heel to face him and Sanji looking like evil incarnate.

"Well," She declares huffily, "I hope you two are happy, now we can't go out drinking. As compensation you two can pay me to go buy booze for the ship as we can't drink here now. Wallets, now." She demands.

Sanji being the spineless noodle that he is hands over the money in his wallet with a simpering apology for 'inconveniencing his delicate flower'. Zoro on the other hand doesn't have any money left and, though he wisely keeps this statement to himself, wouldn't give it to her even if he did. Nami orders the two of them to stay outside the bar just in case that bartenders change their mind whilst the rest of the crew are off shopping for booze.

With a sigh Zoro and Sanji both sit down next to each other on the fountain that's situated opposite the bar. A peaceful silence falls between them for a while until Sanji decides to open his stupid mouth.

"I can't believe you hit him hard enough in the face to leave a negative impression of your sword hilt on his forehead." Sanji snickers.

"I'm impressed with how clearly it came out." Zoro agrees with a grin.

"Still, you cut off his _ear_ though, that's a bit of a crazy person thing to do." Sanji comments. Zoro's eye twitches at that. He's not crazy damnit, okay, well, he might not be entirely right- but no one else is allowed to say it!

"I'm not crazy! I'm not the one who embedded a man's canines in the wall forever!" Zoro snaps back angrily.

"Holy shit, they're still there?" Sanji cackles madly, the laughter only increases when Zoro grins back and nods. Sanji is in fits of laughter at that and manages a few times to string together enough words to wonder if they'll ever get them out.

Zoro lounges back on the edge of the fountain and lets himself relax a little, the sun is bright, the sky is clear and even with the dumbass blonde with him he's in a good mood now.

"What did the idiot with his jaw wired shut say to you anyway?" Zoro asks curiously. Logically he knows that it probably is about the ladies but from Sanji's reaction he suspects that it might not be…

"They were complaining that you were a cheap tasteless drinker, and that you smelt like a hobo. And they said that anyone with that many swords was clearly overcompensating for something." Sanji says icily.

"What? It's Santoryu! Those ignorant bastards wouldn't know swordsmanship if it bit them in the ass!" Zoro snarls.

"Or cut their ear off." Sanji grins and lights a cigarette. Zoro pouts a little at this, he supposes though that the guy with his jaw wired shut paid enough for his comment.

"And I don't smell." He adds irritably.

"Oh please, you smell like you spent a week in your clothes and then rolled around on the floor of a men's locker room and then a urinal." Sanji snorts.

"I do not!" Zoro shouts angrily.

"Do so." Sanji replies in what he clearly thinks is a mature tone of voice.

"Do not! Anyway, just because some of us don't dress like undertakers doesn't mean there's anything wrong with their clothes, I mean, my clothes. And I wash. Besides, it doesn't do you any good, no one ever sees how fancy your clothes are because all the ladies run away when they see your hideous face!" Zoro retorts.

"And what would **you** know about women?" Sanji snarls, biting through the end of his cigarette in anger.

"I know more about women than you know about fighting, which I'll admit doesn't mean much when you consider that you couldn't kick your way out of a wet paper bag." Zoro asserts and flicks the cigarette out of Sanji's mouth.

"How about I kick my way into your kidneys, asshole?" Sanji snarls and kicks Zoro back into the fountain.

Zoro flails as he falls and manages to grab hold of Sanji's tie as he does, simultaneously dragging the man down with him and half strangling him in the process.

This quickly devolves into a wrestling and punching match with half-hearted attempts to drown one another. Nami shows up at some point when Sanji is holding Zoro under the water and kneeing him in the ribs. Zoro surfaces to Nami's angry face scowling at them from the street by the fountain.

"-is why we can't have nice things!" She shouts angrily as the water clears from Zoro's ears.

"Bite me." Zoro declares, to her, to Sanji, to the world in general.

"You wish she'd bite you, pervert." Sanji accuses, elbowing Zoro in the neck.

"You're the pervert ero-cook." Zoro responds and topples Sanji off of him back into the water and digs his knuckles into a nerve in Sanji's thigh which makes the cook yelp pleasingly.

"GET OUT OF THERE! And get back to the ship now, both of you." Nami orders definitively and storms off back towards the docks.

Grudingly the two of them get out of the fountain dripping wet with their fight (and their fun) ruined once again by Nami.

They get all of ten paces before Sanji's not so smart mouth starts up again.

"At least you got a bath now stink-man." Sanji mutters under his breath.

"What was that, dartboard brow?" Zoro snarls quietly.

"What did you call me you dumbass, directionally-challenged, moss for brains?" Sanji yells at him.

"SHUT IT!" Nami shrieks.

Reluctantly the two of them quiet down again and peace once again reins on the straw hat pirates. For all of three minutes.

~End.


End file.
